“Thomas Edison's last words were 'It's very beautiful over there'. I don't know where there is, but I believe it's somewhere, and I hope it's beautiful.” 

I'm going to my very first funeral today, and that would've been bad enough if the person who had died hadn't been one of my best friends who is my age. Honestly, there is absolutely nothing worse than hugging a crying mother who has just lost her child. I believe that everybody has a certain time to leave this planet, so I'm sure fate/God/whatever decides this sort of thing has other plans for you and that you're in a better place now. Te amo, Dani, sempre.

It's a very odd feeling to be with a group of people and feel like I don't particularly matter to anyone there.

note to self

my life lately [in pictures]

Also, here. (not a playlist I made, but it's one of Catherine's, and she makes the best mixes ever.)

It's just so easy to slip back into old ways and become the same person I used to be. This is very odd and makes me feel like I have very little will power and control of my life.

There aren't too many people who will listen to you say incoherent sentences through tears at 2 in the morning, so it's important to hold on to the people that will.

I think it's a very important and special feeling when you have a song that instead of reminding you of some lost love or friend, it reminds you of who you used to be. I'm listening to Green Day's 'Jesus of Suburbia' right now and my feelings of when I used to hear this song in its intirety - because it's 9 minutes long - on the bus on the way to school as a way to reassure myself that this day would be better than yesterday was. Keep in mind that this is when I was thirteen and easily upset over bullshit and I thought I was a lot more grown up than I actually was. I used to scrawl 'to live and not to breathe is to die in tragedy' and 'they say home is where your heart is but what a shame, 'cause everybody's heart don't beat the same' on my wrists and the back of notebooks and think about how Billy Joe Armstrong understood, more than my friends or family, the despair of living in a city you wanted to get out of and being different and just the general urge to LEAVE. 'Running away from pain when you've been victimized, tales from another broken home'. And now this post on an abandoned blog is coming out pretty long, but it's just that it's weird how you grow up and sometimes you're not aware of this. With other people who you don't see on a regular basis, you notice a change in them when you see them again but that doesn't happen with yourself because every day you're faced with yourself and it feels like you've always been the same. I'm growing up and even though the 13 year old me wasn't aware of this - mainly because I was too worried about what the skinny girls with straight hair thought about me - but this pain is so useful and maybe I wouldn't have grown up without it. And I'm still growing and there's still suffering and there's still music to get me through bad days.

lately

“No wonder kids grow up crazy. A cat's cradle is nothing but a bunch of X's between somebody's hands, and little kids look and look and look at all those X's . . ."
"And?"
"No damn cat, and no damn cradle.”

• Telling people that you love them shouldn't have to be something that you have to be reminded of, but it is. Try not to forget.
• I downloaded a version of Tetris to my iPhone.
• Rooney Mara is insanely attractive.
• "What was the man pillow shaped like?" "Daniel Craig."

happy birthday darling, we love you very very very very very very very much.

Valentine's Day

Today is such a bogus ~holiday, but Kanye West is awesome, so there you go.

"I'm in love with you," he said quietly.

"Augustus," I said.

"I am," he said. He was staring at me, and I could see the corners of his eyes crinkling. "I'm in love with you, and I'm not in the business of denying myself the simple pleasure of saying true things. I'm in love with you, and I know that love is just a shout into the void, and that oblivion is inevitable, and that we're all doomed and that there will come a day when all our labor has been returned to dust, and I know the sun will swallow the only earth we'll ever have, and I am in love with you."

The Fault In Our Stars - John Green

A collection of things I want on my blog - part II

little dark girl with
kind eyes
when it comes time to
use the knife
I won't flinch and
I won't blame
you,
as I drive along the shore alone
as the palms wave,
the ugly heavy palms,
as the living does not arrive
as the dead do not leave,
I won't blame you,
instead
I will remember the kisses
our lips raw with love
and how you gave me
everything you had
and how I
offered you what was left of
me,
and I will remember your small room
the feel of you
the light in the window
your records
your books
our morning coffee
our noons our nights
our bodies spilled together
sleeping
the tiny flowing currents
immediate and forever
your leg my leg
your arm my arm
your smile and the warmth
of you
who made me laugh
again.
little dark girl with kind eyes
you have no
knife. the knife is
mine and I won't use it
yet.

- Charles Bukowski

A collection of things I want on my blog

THANK GOD IT'S NO LONGER 2011. MAY THIS NEW YEAR BE WONDERFUL FOR ALL OF YOU!

FUCK YES, 2012!