hi gian, i love you like crazy.

There's still five minutes left of your birthday and I realized how much I consider birthdays (not necessarily just my own) as important landmarks and chances to evaluate my life and choices. My heart is completely rid of any resentment or anger over what happened, and now all I feel is joy and happy that we were lucky enough to have experienced so much together. I feel like you'd be proud of me for reaching this point. Happy birthday, I love you very much. 

PS: It's indie rock and roll for me. 

Lately, I have been feeling very overwhelmed and I just have the urge to spend time by myself, hiding under the covers, but when I get the opportunity to lie down by myself and my thoughts, I just feel worse. If you asked me, I wouldn't be sure about what's overwhelming me, I feel like everything I'm doing is just completely wrong and that I am inadequate. It bothers me how okay I can be some days and then I'll just plunge down and feel awful and bad and miserable and I feel like I have absolutely no control. I think the thing that overwhelms me so much is actually myself.

things

• I think it's very important to be able to realize that the things you like are valid and don't have to be cool or a certain way, but that you have to realize that your liking of something, doesn't automatically mean that it's good. I just think it's dumb and very high school when people are like 'I LIKE THIS THEREFORE IT IS THE BEST THING EVER AND IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, YOU ARE DUMB.'
• My mood these past two days when I've been eating better and exercising have already been better than the entire month of September.
• My Rookie Yearbook arrives on the 8th! 
• Majority of the people I know are very self-involved.
• 
• I really, really want to go to a good Halloween party this month, ughhh pleaseeeee
• I dreamt that somebody I really like from the Internet died and I woke up and I was super sad and then I went on Facebook and looked at her pictures and just felt this wave of relief that she was alive.
• These lists are pointless.

Being okay is actually really, really difficult. 

And now a very accurate visual description of who I was when I was around 12 to 13 years old

*

I want to be
the one
you want in your
mind and your gut and
your bathroom

But I don’t want you
to fuck the whole
world to find out.

Charles Bukowski

I saw a pug today and it was only three months old and I thought it was going to make my day alright but that's not how things worked out. I had a panic/anxiety/whatever attack in the car on the car home. Little background information: I've recently developed a really strong fear of getting hit by trucks or busses when I'm in the car with somebody, to the point where if a bus is coming in my direction, I cower away and lean in the opposite direction (my sister has pointed out that even if the bus hit, my swerving away wouldn't help much.) A curious exception to this is when we're in my dad's car with him driving because a) my dad's car is big and sturdy and makes me feel safe and b) my dad learned how to drive when he's 13 so I trust his driving skills. Anyways, I was sitting in the backseat with my mom driving and my sister in the front seat and we were stopped at a light when a bus (one of those big ones that have that weird part in the middle that makes it easier for it to turn) turned onto our street and I screamed three times and burst into tears and then had trouble breathing. I guess I'm writing this down because it had been a while since I've felt such an intense fear that I couldn't control my reactions and I just felt like I had to record it. 

PS: It wasn't a completely bad day. I watched Tavi's interview with Jimmy Fallon and bought polka dot flats and listened to bad pop songs. 

I have a crazy amount of respect for Marilyn Manson (and also: he's really cool) and everything he says in this scene.



"I wouldn't say a single word to them, I would listen to what they had to say and that's what no one did."

Also, we're watching this movie again in class tomorrow and I'm supah excited.

hey there, little tattoo.

Things that make my heart ache:

• Seeing ads for elderly people who have gotten lost and haven't been found
• Parents whose children have passed away
• Older people having lunch by themselves
• Movies that portray close mother/daughter relationships
• Abandoned pets
• Having 519 Facebook friends, 168 Twitter followers and 312 Tumblr followers and still feeling excruciatingly lonely on a daily basis
• 'Asleep' by The Smiths
• Poetry about lost love
• Couples who can't be together because of distance and/or timing
• My cat when he meows to be let in and for some reason or another, he isn't allowed to be indoors
• Watching my grandparents interact with each other
• 'Titanic'
• When Gian senses that something is wrong so he squeezes my hand and we don't have to talk about it
• Watching people say good-bye to their loved ones at the airport
• 'Like Crazy'

Guess who's getting a tattoo next Thursday?! :))))

Tired (inside and out.) 

He rode up on his bike to where I was sitting and asked me in an accent different than mine why my glasses were shaped funny. I pushed my lips against each other and glared at him from behind the thick glass. He squinted as the sun hit his dark face and blinked at me. 

"I like them like this," I answered, setting my book next to me. 

He shrugged and rode away while the lion tattoo on his back bared its white teeth at me. That was the first time we spoke. With my legs turning freckly in the May sun, there was no way I could've know that in two short weeks I'd be kissing his bare skin and digging my nails into his skin in the hushed silence of his basement where he had invited me to casually watch his favorite documentary with him. And if I didn't know that, I most certainly didn't know that that second when I was engrossed in the book my older sister had given to me as a birthday present before being interrupted by a boy with a gap between his front teeth, that second would be last happy moment in my life. 

------


Sometimes I write and sometimes it's not very good but sometimes I end up posting it.