sentimental

"I hug her one more time and pull her down to the bed. And in my mind, I rise up from the bed and look down on us, and look down at everybody else in this hospital who might have the good fortune of holding a pretty girl right now, and then at the entire Brooklyn block, and then the neighborhood, and then Brooklyn, and then New York City, and then the whole Tri-State Area, and then this little corner of America - with laser eyes I can see into every house - and then the whole stupid country and the hemisphere and now the whole stupid world, everyone in every bed, couch, futon, chair, hammock, love seat, and tent, everyone kissing or touching each other...and I know that I'm the happiest of them all." - Ned Vizzini

PS: On Monday, it'll have been one whole month. Fuck. 

THREE THINGS TO BE VERY, VERY EXCITED ABOUT

Leo! Carey Mulligan looking dainty and beautiful! The 20's in New York! Beautiful usage of a Kanye West song! I can't wait, wait, wait to see the Baz Luhrman directed parties and the outfits. Also, I'm very much hoping that this'll be the chance for Leo to win an Oscar. OVERALL, I'M PSYCHED.

Honestly, my heart fluttered when I heard that Tarantino was directing a movie and it was going to be with Leo (so much love for that man.) I can tell from the trailer that this movie is going to be filled with so much bad-assery (like when Jamie Foxx says "I like the way you die, boy." while wearing a blue suit) And the usual Tarantino wonderfulness, like quick dialogues and a good amount of blood (how good is it when they film the cotton flowers being sprayed with blood?!) SO GOOD. 

And last, but definitely definitely not least, is the movie adaption of a book that's been my favorite since I was 13. Despite not super loving the cast (Emma Watson as Sam? Really?), I burst into tears when I saw the trailer. Hopefully, the movie won't disappoint, and will include scenes from when they play Rocky Horror or the first time Charlie gets high. I was worried that making it into a movie would take away some of the introspectiveness that's so characteristic of the book (since the story is told in letters), but a narrative voice-over will probably work just as well. Honestly, I just love the book so much that I'm going to try my best not to worry about small details when I watch it. I also really hope that the movie will have a killer soundtrack. And I can already tell that Patrick (Ezra Miller!!) is going to be my favorite character.

FAILED VLOG

My Photobooth audio isn't working! So here's a video of me being frustrated.

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15 days.

“Thomas Edison's last words were 'It's very beautiful over there'. I don't know where there is, but I believe it's somewhere, and I hope it's beautiful.” 

I'm going to my very first funeral today, and that would've been bad enough if the person who had died hadn't been one of my best friends who is my age. Honestly, there is absolutely nothing worse than hugging a crying mother who has just lost her child. I believe that everybody has a certain time to leave this planet, so I'm sure fate/God/whatever decides this sort of thing has other plans for you and that you're in a better place now. Te amo, Dani, sempre.

It's a very odd feeling to be with a group of people and feel like I don't particularly matter to anyone there.

note to self

my life lately [in pictures]

Also, here. (not a playlist I made, but it's one of Catherine's, and she makes the best mixes ever.)

It's just so easy to slip back into old ways and become the same person I used to be. This is very odd and makes me feel like I have very little will power and control of my life.

There aren't too many people who will listen to you say incoherent sentences through tears at 2 in the morning, so it's important to hold on to the people that will.

I think it's a very important and special feeling when you have a song that instead of reminding you of some lost love or friend, it reminds you of who you used to be. I'm listening to Green Day's 'Jesus of Suburbia' right now and my feelings of when I used to hear this song in its intirety - because it's 9 minutes long - on the bus on the way to school as a way to reassure myself that this day would be better than yesterday was. Keep in mind that this is when I was thirteen and easily upset over bullshit and I thought I was a lot more grown up than I actually was. I used to scrawl 'to live and not to breathe is to die in tragedy' and 'they say home is where your heart is but what a shame, 'cause everybody's heart don't beat the same' on my wrists and the back of notebooks and think about how Billy Joe Armstrong understood, more than my friends or family, the despair of living in a city you wanted to get out of and being different and just the general urge to LEAVE. 'Running away from pain when you've been victimized, tales from another broken home'. And now this post on an abandoned blog is coming out pretty long, but it's just that it's weird how you grow up and sometimes you're not aware of this. With other people who you don't see on a regular basis, you notice a change in them when you see them again but that doesn't happen with yourself because every day you're faced with yourself and it feels like you've always been the same. I'm growing up and even though the 13 year old me wasn't aware of this - mainly because I was too worried about what the skinny girls with straight hair thought about me - but this pain is so useful and maybe I wouldn't have grown up without it. And I'm still growing and there's still suffering and there's still music to get me through bad days.

lately

“No wonder kids grow up crazy. A cat's cradle is nothing but a bunch of X's between somebody's hands, and little kids look and look and look at all those X's . . ."
"And?"
"No damn cat, and no damn cradle.”

• Telling people that you love them shouldn't have to be something that you have to be reminded of, but it is. Try not to forget.
• I downloaded a version of Tetris to my iPhone.
• Rooney Mara is insanely attractive.
• "What was the man pillow shaped like?" "Daniel Craig."

happy birthday darling, we love you very very very very very very very much.

Valentine's Day

Today is such a bogus ~holiday, but Kanye West is awesome, so there you go.