Being okay is actually really, really difficult. 

And now a very accurate visual description of who I was when I was around 12 to 13 years old

*

I want to be
the one
you want in your
mind and your gut and
your bathroom

But I don’t want you
to fuck the whole
world to find out.

Charles Bukowski

I saw a pug today and it was only three months old and I thought it was going to make my day alright but that's not how things worked out. I had a panic/anxiety/whatever attack in the car on the car home. Little background information: I've recently developed a really strong fear of getting hit by trucks or busses when I'm in the car with somebody, to the point where if a bus is coming in my direction, I cower away and lean in the opposite direction (my sister has pointed out that even if the bus hit, my swerving away wouldn't help much.) A curious exception to this is when we're in my dad's car with him driving because a) my dad's car is big and sturdy and makes me feel safe and b) my dad learned how to drive when he's 13 so I trust his driving skills. Anyways, I was sitting in the backseat with my mom driving and my sister in the front seat and we were stopped at a light when a bus (one of those big ones that have that weird part in the middle that makes it easier for it to turn) turned onto our street and I screamed three times and burst into tears and then had trouble breathing. I guess I'm writing this down because it had been a while since I've felt such an intense fear that I couldn't control my reactions and I just felt like I had to record it. 

PS: It wasn't a completely bad day. I watched Tavi's interview with Jimmy Fallon and bought polka dot flats and listened to bad pop songs. 

I have a crazy amount of respect for Marilyn Manson (and also: he's really cool) and everything he says in this scene.



"I wouldn't say a single word to them, I would listen to what they had to say and that's what no one did."

Also, we're watching this movie again in class tomorrow and I'm supah excited.

hey there, little tattoo.

Things that make my heart ache:

• Seeing ads for elderly people who have gotten lost and haven't been found
• Parents whose children have passed away
• Older people having lunch by themselves
• Movies that portray close mother/daughter relationships
• Abandoned pets
• Having 519 Facebook friends, 168 Twitter followers and 312 Tumblr followers and still feeling excruciatingly lonely on a daily basis
• 'Asleep' by The Smiths
• Poetry about lost love
• Couples who can't be together because of distance and/or timing
• My cat when he meows to be let in and for some reason or another, he isn't allowed to be indoors
• Watching my grandparents interact with each other
• 'Titanic'
• When Gian senses that something is wrong so he squeezes my hand and we don't have to talk about it
• Watching people say good-bye to their loved ones at the airport
• 'Like Crazy'

Guess who's getting a tattoo next Thursday?! :))))

Tired (inside and out.) 

He rode up on his bike to where I was sitting and asked me in an accent different than mine why my glasses were shaped funny. I pushed my lips against each other and glared at him from behind the thick glass. He squinted as the sun hit his dark face and blinked at me. 

"I like them like this," I answered, setting my book next to me. 

He shrugged and rode away while the lion tattoo on his back bared its white teeth at me. That was the first time we spoke. With my legs turning freckly in the May sun, there was no way I could've know that in two short weeks I'd be kissing his bare skin and digging my nails into his skin in the hushed silence of his basement where he had invited me to casually watch his favorite documentary with him. And if I didn't know that, I most certainly didn't know that that second when I was engrossed in the book my older sister had given to me as a birthday present before being interrupted by a boy with a gap between his front teeth, that second would be last happy moment in my life. 

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Sometimes I write and sometimes it's not very good but sometimes I end up posting it. 

The video for Taylor Swift's "Mine" is always going to make me tear up.

“Someday, we’ll run into each other again, I know it. Maybe I’ll be older and smarter and just plain better. If that happens, that’s when I’ll deserve you. But now, at this moment, you can’t hook your boat to mine, because I’m liable to sink us both.”

I kind of suck at summer, you guys

It seems like everybody on the face of the earth (but especially people my age) simply adore summer and the sunshine makes everything better and blah blah blah. I will now state the following reasons why I have decided that summer just isn't my thing:

• Summer clothes, distorted body image, too much skin showing. GROSS. It just makes me feel uncomfortable.
• SO MUCH SWEAT AND GREASY SKIN. How could this ever be okay?
• Too much heat makes me claustrophobic and like ripping out of my own skin, which is why I don't like being at the beach for too long. Plus, another thing about the beach is that I get this 'okay, what do I do now?' sort of feeling.
• I wear normal glasses so I either have to opt for a headache from straining my eyes to see when I'm wearing sunglasses or a headache from squinting from the brightness of the sun. Lose-lose situation. 
• I'm really bad at sleeping normally and at normal times, but sleeping when it's unbearably hot is definitely on my list of 10 Things That Absolutely Suck.
• I really like indoor activities, so as much as I like watching TV shows on my laptop or scrolling through my Tumblr dashboard, I always have to listen to comments like "why are you inside on such a beautiful day?!" 
• The same goes for the movie theaters. I love going to the movie theater but apparently, in the summer, day time should be spent outdoors. Ugh.
• I'm a lonely person, so I'm either wistfully wishing I had somebody to go on outdoorsy escapades with or just somebody to share the air conditioning with. I mean, this obviously isn't just a bother in the summer, but I just feel like summer, and especially, vacations are reserved to be spent with people you like that are your own age (and not, uhm, your cat.) 
• So majority of summer vacations, my family and I end up going to spend at least a week at a city by the sea. So this is the issue about me being a super picky eater. Fish is okay, but really Dad, every day? Can't we just go eat some pasta somewhere? 

I'm just really inadequate and summer isn't the right season for me. Now can somebody please just lower the temperature here or something?

If only this anxiety and panic and miserableness could be turned into something creative. Sigh.