Being okay is actually really, really difficult. 

And now a very accurate visual description of who I was when I was around 12 to 13 years old

*

I want to be
the one
you want in your
mind and your gut and
your bathroom

But I don’t want you
to fuck the whole
world to find out.

Charles Bukowski

I saw a pug today and it was only three months old and I thought it was going to make my day alright but that's not how things worked out. I had a panic/anxiety/whatever attack in the car on the car home. Little background information: I've recently developed a really strong fear of getting hit by trucks or busses when I'm in the car with somebody, to the point where if a bus is coming in my direction, I cower away and lean in the opposite direction (my sister has pointed out that even if the bus hit, my swerving away wouldn't help much.) A curious exception to this is when we're in my dad's car with him driving because a) my dad's car is big and sturdy and makes me feel safe and b) my dad learned how to drive when he's 13 so I trust his driving skills. Anyways, I was sitting in the backseat with my mom driving and my sister in the front seat and we were stopped at a light when a bus (one of those big ones that have that weird part in the middle that makes it easier for it to turn) turned onto our street and I screamed three times and burst into tears and then had trouble breathing. I guess I'm writing this down because it had been a while since I've felt such an intense fear that I couldn't control my reactions and I just felt like I had to record it. 

PS: It wasn't a completely bad day. I watched Tavi's interview with Jimmy Fallon and bought polka dot flats and listened to bad pop songs. 

I have a crazy amount of respect for Marilyn Manson (and also: he's really cool) and everything he says in this scene.



"I wouldn't say a single word to them, I would listen to what they had to say and that's what no one did."

Also, we're watching this movie again in class tomorrow and I'm supah excited.