eros is bullshit: a poem

the theory that people

are always searching for

their other half is 

              bullshit. 

don’t let anyone, not

even a god, tell you 

you are anything less 

than whole.

Found this on Tumblr (without any type of source or indication to who wrote this) and wanted to share it. 

Ezra

The first boy I ever kissed had tattoos on his hands. When he leaned in to touch his lips to mine, his hand rested on my back and I remember thinking about the ink seeping through my clothes and resting on my own bare skin. His mouth tasted like beer and, in the midst of my infatuation, I found it charming. For the rest of the night, we spent it using our mouths, either to speak or kiss. 

He showed me how to blow cigarette smoke in a perfect circle and I taught him how to say 'I love you' in foreign languages and as I watched the vocalization of true love roll off his tongue like candy, like they meant nothing, I felt a surge of joy that this was the boy I was sitting with on a pale September night. After the playlist started to repeat itself - as much as I may like 'Just Like Heaven', I don't need to listen to it three times in one night - I told him I was going to leave and after receiving a flurry of kisses and slurred words of 'I loved meeting you' and 'Let's do this again sometime', I walked out the door. 

Three short weeks later, I heard the news, or better yet, overheard it, since I was walking to class when I heard a group of girls talking about it. He was dead. I stopped moving, perplexed. I skipped my Religion class that afternoon and sat on the swings of an empty playground, drowning in my thoughts, unsure of what to do. Was I meant to go to the funeral? Should I wear black? Would his close friends notice me and wonder who I was?

I sat by myself until the sun hid behind the hills. Eventually, I did go to the funeral and I stood back, feeling out of place and lost. After the mourners started to peel away to their cars, speaking in hushed tones,  I came closer. Looking down at the numerous wreath of flowers covering the grave, I thought about his face, his laughter, his eyes, and how all of the things that made him were gone. 

I thought about the tattoos on his hands and wished that that night, they had actually jumped onto my skin so that I'd always have a secret part of him with me. I was interrupted by a hand on my shoulder, presumably belonging to his father (they had the same eyes.) 

"Did you know him very well?" he asked, his voice kind and heavy with sorrow. 

I looked up, blinking a few tears away. "I wish I had." I really wish I had. 

----

Just something I wrote recently. 

Hey, you and me are going to slow-dance to this song someday. You'll put your hands on my hips as we sway in a room that's ours (really, really just ours) and I'll say something dumb about the way you dance and you'll kiss me softly on that ticklish place on neck. I'll hold you a little bit tighter and you won't mind and I'll tell you that when I was eighteen years old, I imagined dancing with you to this song and it'll be a sad and nostalgic and hopeful moment. And if it's not, well, then that's okay, too. I love you to the moon and back, bonitinho. 

Right now, I feel very happy and excited about being alive and the plans I have so I need to record it because I know these moments don't come by super often. 

"Stop making that face at me." You don't know what face I'm talking about. I called you today while I was walking home and I was upset and on the verge of tears and I had to hear your voice to distract me from the frustration building up inside of my chest and squeezing my lungs and you answered and I could clearly see you sitting on the bed surrounded by clothes you still had to pack and you didn't ask why my voice was shakey (I wouldnt've said anything, anyways). I got home and pretended to be okay and managed until you put your arms around me and I broke down and you stroked my hair while we stood in the bathroom doorway and told me that it was okay to cry and you didn't ask me what was wrong and you didn't complain when my mascara got on your white shirt and then you talked to me about silly things until I calmed down. I'm listening to quiet songs that remind me of you even though I don't know if you know these songs and tears are rolling down my cheeks and I keep glancing at the clock but who cares I'm not going to sleep anytime soon anyways and this afternoon I woke up from my nap and forget for a second that you had left and looked around my room, expecting to find you lying on your back on my bed and reading your Neil Gaiman book. I'm going to lie down in bed tonight and I won't wake up in the middle of the night with you coming in and kissing my limbs while I'm half asleep and holding my arms and asking me if I'm okay because my heart is beating fast and yes yes I'm okay I am alive and I am completely in love with you. I looked down at your hands interlocked with both of mine (because there are occasions when holding just one of your hands isn't enough) while we were waiting in the sun and I kept looking because I wanted so badly to remember everything, every single moment and how your lips were cold from drinking a milkshake and you hadn't changed shirts and the outsides of our thighs touching and the voice in the back of my head reminded me how lucky I am to have spent these days with you and how we've been doing this for almost three years and saying good-bye to you still hasn't gotten easier. I don't think it ever will get easy, honestly.

ugh, i don't even know.

I'm sitting in the computer lab at college and my body feels like this awful, uncomfortable suit that doesn't belong to me and the air is stale and the vents are making this annoying whirring sound and I am sleep deprived and I mentally threw up on everybody who I've interacted with so far, MONDAYS ARE TERRIBLE. 

How It Ends

It has been years,
months
And days
Since the first time I saw you naked
Since the night you ripped off your shirt,
Stuck your boobs in my face and said
Touch them
I touched them like a diabetic third grader opening a Snickers bar
You said
Hard
I thought, yes I am
But you are so soft, I said,
Your lips, they’re like whale blubber
That wasn’t my best line
But it worked
Tonight in the grocery store, I found one of your hairs in my underwear
I pulled it out in the frozen food section and screamed
THAT is so gorgeous, it could kill a man!
Good thing I’m a leprechaun
Lucky…
Lucky…
Baby, I have no idea how this will end
Maybe the equator will fall like a hula hoop from the earth’s hips
And our mouths will freeze mid-kiss on our 80th anniversary
Or maybe tomorrow, my absolute insanity
Combined with the absolute obstacle course of your communication skills
Will leave us
Like a love letter
In a landfill
But whatever
Whenever
However this ends,
Heather,
I want you to know, that right now,
I love you forever
I love you for the hardest mile we walked together
For the night I collected every sharp knife in the house
And threw them one by one on the roof
Then told the sun,
Listen show off,
From now on, you are only to give me blades of grass;
Things that are growing and soft
‘Cause there’s this girl who says she wants to float on her back
Through my bloodstream
And when she does,
I want my rivers to reach the sea
D’you hear me, lover?
Do you know, the night you told me you had a crush on my ears,
I swore to never to become Van Gogh
And look, baby,
They are both still there
Just like my firefly heart is still right there in your glass jar
I never trusted anybody more to poke enough holes in the lid
So on the nights you sleep like a ballerina,
I try to snore like a piccolo
And I press my lips to your holy temples
And I say,
I crash in to things in the dark
Even when the lights are on
And I am wrong more often than I am writing
And even then, I am often wrong
But when my friends are in the bathroom at the bar
Rolling dollar bills in to telescopes,
Claiming they can see God,
I will come to you
Holding my grandmother’s Bible,
I will press it to your chest
And I will bless it with your breath
And when you ask if I wanna roleplay Altar boys fucking in the kitchen during Sunday Mass
I will say,
Hell yes
But only if you leave a hickey on my ass
In the shape of Jesus’ palm
So I can be sure I got nailed
Down
Heather,
You will never lose me to the wind
You are the lightning that made me fill my chest with candles
You are the thunder clapping for the poem that nobody else wants to hear
You are an icicle’s tear watering a tulip on the first day of spring
You melt me alive
You kiss me as deep as my roots will reach
And I want nothing more than to be an eyelash fallen on your cheek
Then being collected by your fingers
And held like a wish
I promise
That whatever I do
I will always try my best
To come true

- Andrea Gibson

i miss you very, very much.

This song has been playing in my head for the past week and a half

I just want to feel beautiful and desirable and comfortable and better in every single way.

This video is good and interesting and worth saving to watch again. 

hi gian, i love you like crazy.

There's still five minutes left of your birthday and I realized how much I consider birthdays (not necessarily just my own) as important landmarks and chances to evaluate my life and choices. My heart is completely rid of any resentment or anger over what happened, and now all I feel is joy and happy that we were lucky enough to have experienced so much together. I feel like you'd be proud of me for reaching this point. Happy birthday, I love you very much. 

PS: It's indie rock and roll for me. 

Lately, I have been feeling very overwhelmed and I just have the urge to spend time by myself, hiding under the covers, but when I get the opportunity to lie down by myself and my thoughts, I just feel worse. If you asked me, I wouldn't be sure about what's overwhelming me, I feel like everything I'm doing is just completely wrong and that I am inadequate. It bothers me how okay I can be some days and then I'll just plunge down and feel awful and bad and miserable and I feel like I have absolutely no control. I think the thing that overwhelms me so much is actually myself.

things

• I think it's very important to be able to realize that the things you like are valid and don't have to be cool or a certain way, but that you have to realize that your liking of something, doesn't automatically mean that it's good. I just think it's dumb and very high school when people are like 'I LIKE THIS THEREFORE IT IS THE BEST THING EVER AND IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, YOU ARE DUMB.'
• My mood these past two days when I've been eating better and exercising have already been better than the entire month of September.
• My Rookie Yearbook arrives on the 8th! 
• Majority of the people I know are very self-involved.
• 
• I really, really want to go to a good Halloween party this month, ughhh pleaseeeee
• I dreamt that somebody I really like from the Internet died and I woke up and I was super sad and then I went on Facebook and looked at her pictures and just felt this wave of relief that she was alive.
• These lists are pointless.

Being okay is actually really, really difficult. 

And now a very accurate visual description of who I was when I was around 12 to 13 years old

*

I want to be
the one
you want in your
mind and your gut and
your bathroom

But I don’t want you
to fuck the whole
world to find out.

Charles Bukowski

I saw a pug today and it was only three months old and I thought it was going to make my day alright but that's not how things worked out. I had a panic/anxiety/whatever attack in the car on the car home. Little background information: I've recently developed a really strong fear of getting hit by trucks or busses when I'm in the car with somebody, to the point where if a bus is coming in my direction, I cower away and lean in the opposite direction (my sister has pointed out that even if the bus hit, my swerving away wouldn't help much.) A curious exception to this is when we're in my dad's car with him driving because a) my dad's car is big and sturdy and makes me feel safe and b) my dad learned how to drive when he's 13 so I trust his driving skills. Anyways, I was sitting in the backseat with my mom driving and my sister in the front seat and we were stopped at a light when a bus (one of those big ones that have that weird part in the middle that makes it easier for it to turn) turned onto our street and I screamed three times and burst into tears and then had trouble breathing. I guess I'm writing this down because it had been a while since I've felt such an intense fear that I couldn't control my reactions and I just felt like I had to record it. 

PS: It wasn't a completely bad day. I watched Tavi's interview with Jimmy Fallon and bought polka dot flats and listened to bad pop songs. 

I have a crazy amount of respect for Marilyn Manson (and also: he's really cool) and everything he says in this scene.



"I wouldn't say a single word to them, I would listen to what they had to say and that's what no one did."

Also, we're watching this movie again in class tomorrow and I'm supah excited.

hey there, little tattoo.

Things that make my heart ache:

• Seeing ads for elderly people who have gotten lost and haven't been found
• Parents whose children have passed away
• Older people having lunch by themselves
• Movies that portray close mother/daughter relationships
• Abandoned pets
• Having 519 Facebook friends, 168 Twitter followers and 312 Tumblr followers and still feeling excruciatingly lonely on a daily basis
• 'Asleep' by The Smiths
• Poetry about lost love
• Couples who can't be together because of distance and/or timing
• My cat when he meows to be let in and for some reason or another, he isn't allowed to be indoors
• Watching my grandparents interact with each other
• 'Titanic'
• When Gian senses that something is wrong so he squeezes my hand and we don't have to talk about it
• Watching people say good-bye to their loved ones at the airport
• 'Like Crazy'

Guess who's getting a tattoo next Thursday?! :))))

Tired (inside and out.) 

He rode up on his bike to where I was sitting and asked me in an accent different than mine why my glasses were shaped funny. I pushed my lips against each other and glared at him from behind the thick glass. He squinted as the sun hit his dark face and blinked at me. 

"I like them like this," I answered, setting my book next to me. 

He shrugged and rode away while the lion tattoo on his back bared its white teeth at me. That was the first time we spoke. With my legs turning freckly in the May sun, there was no way I could've know that in two short weeks I'd be kissing his bare skin and digging my nails into his skin in the hushed silence of his basement where he had invited me to casually watch his favorite documentary with him. And if I didn't know that, I most certainly didn't know that that second when I was engrossed in the book my older sister had given to me as a birthday present before being interrupted by a boy with a gap between his front teeth, that second would be last happy moment in my life. 

------


Sometimes I write and sometimes it's not very good but sometimes I end up posting it. 

The video for Taylor Swift's "Mine" is always going to make me tear up.

“Someday, we’ll run into each other again, I know it. Maybe I’ll be older and smarter and just plain better. If that happens, that’s when I’ll deserve you. But now, at this moment, you can’t hook your boat to mine, because I’m liable to sink us both.”

I kind of suck at summer, you guys

It seems like everybody on the face of the earth (but especially people my age) simply adore summer and the sunshine makes everything better and blah blah blah. I will now state the following reasons why I have decided that summer just isn't my thing:

• Summer clothes, distorted body image, too much skin showing. GROSS. It just makes me feel uncomfortable.
• SO MUCH SWEAT AND GREASY SKIN. How could this ever be okay?
• Too much heat makes me claustrophobic and like ripping out of my own skin, which is why I don't like being at the beach for too long. Plus, another thing about the beach is that I get this 'okay, what do I do now?' sort of feeling.
• I wear normal glasses so I either have to opt for a headache from straining my eyes to see when I'm wearing sunglasses or a headache from squinting from the brightness of the sun. Lose-lose situation. 
• I'm really bad at sleeping normally and at normal times, but sleeping when it's unbearably hot is definitely on my list of 10 Things That Absolutely Suck.
• I really like indoor activities, so as much as I like watching TV shows on my laptop or scrolling through my Tumblr dashboard, I always have to listen to comments like "why are you inside on such a beautiful day?!" 
• The same goes for the movie theaters. I love going to the movie theater but apparently, in the summer, day time should be spent outdoors. Ugh.
• I'm a lonely person, so I'm either wistfully wishing I had somebody to go on outdoorsy escapades with or just somebody to share the air conditioning with. I mean, this obviously isn't just a bother in the summer, but I just feel like summer, and especially, vacations are reserved to be spent with people you like that are your own age (and not, uhm, your cat.) 
• So majority of summer vacations, my family and I end up going to spend at least a week at a city by the sea. So this is the issue about me being a super picky eater. Fish is okay, but really Dad, every day? Can't we just go eat some pasta somewhere? 

I'm just really inadequate and summer isn't the right season for me. Now can somebody please just lower the temperature here or something?

If only this anxiety and panic and miserableness could be turned into something creative. Sigh.

(:

• I feel a certain twinge of jealousy of people who are comfortably with posting their thoughts and feelings with no filter on the internet. I feel like everything I post is so obnoxiously overthought and calculated.
• It's currently 10:45 PM and I've been in bed since 1:30 PM, with the exception of going to the bathroom and getting food in the kitchen. It was kind of worth it though, because I watched like six episodes of Dexter and finished the season. I feel like the 'sloth' guy in Se7en. 
• Tomorrow I'm finally going to go watch 'The Amazing Spider-Man'! 
• The Rookie road trip is happening and it's so beautiful and lovely and everything right in the world and I honestly don't really wish I lived in US but right now, I very much wish I could be in  one of the visiting cities.
• I CARE SO LITTLE ABOUT SOCCER AND THESE FIREWORKS SCARE MY CATS.
• Lately, my reaction to thing that bother me in life is to feel nauseous. Like, to the point where I'm upset about things to the point of wanting to vomit.
• Sitting in the backseat of my mom's car makes me feel panicky and claustrophobic.
• I made a new 8tracks mix today! 
• I watched 'To Rome with Love' this week and I liked it a lot but I just thought that Ellen Page was a weird casting choice, because they go on and on in the movie about how sensual and enticing and beautiful she is but Ellen Page just kind of looks like a child. 
• I'm headed to Portugal on Sunday and it'll be summer there and I'll either have to embrace my weird toes and awful stomach or spend the three weeks wearing closed shoes and covering my tummy at the beach. Honestly, I hope it'll be the first option. 
• OKAY I'M DONE WITH THIS POST, TIME TO GO EAT FOOD

sentimental

"I hug her one more time and pull her down to the bed. And in my mind, I rise up from the bed and look down on us, and look down at everybody else in this hospital who might have the good fortune of holding a pretty girl right now, and then at the entire Brooklyn block, and then the neighborhood, and then Brooklyn, and then New York City, and then the whole Tri-State Area, and then this little corner of America - with laser eyes I can see into every house - and then the whole stupid country and the hemisphere and now the whole stupid world, everyone in every bed, couch, futon, chair, hammock, love seat, and tent, everyone kissing or touching each other...and I know that I'm the happiest of them all." - Ned Vizzini

PS: On Monday, it'll have been one whole month. Fuck. 

THREE THINGS TO BE VERY, VERY EXCITED ABOUT

Leo! Carey Mulligan looking dainty and beautiful! The 20's in New York! Beautiful usage of a Kanye West song! I can't wait, wait, wait to see the Baz Luhrman directed parties and the outfits. Also, I'm very much hoping that this'll be the chance for Leo to win an Oscar. OVERALL, I'M PSYCHED.

Honestly, my heart fluttered when I heard that Tarantino was directing a movie and it was going to be with Leo (so much love for that man.) I can tell from the trailer that this movie is going to be filled with so much bad-assery (like when Jamie Foxx says "I like the way you die, boy." while wearing a blue suit) And the usual Tarantino wonderfulness, like quick dialogues and a good amount of blood (how good is it when they film the cotton flowers being sprayed with blood?!) SO GOOD. 

And last, but definitely definitely not least, is the movie adaption of a book that's been my favorite since I was 13. Despite not super loving the cast (Emma Watson as Sam? Really?), I burst into tears when I saw the trailer. Hopefully, the movie won't disappoint, and will include scenes from when they play Rocky Horror or the first time Charlie gets high. I was worried that making it into a movie would take away some of the introspectiveness that's so characteristic of the book (since the story is told in letters), but a narrative voice-over will probably work just as well. Honestly, I just love the book so much that I'm going to try my best not to worry about small details when I watch it. I also really hope that the movie will have a killer soundtrack. And I can already tell that Patrick (Ezra Miller!!) is going to be my favorite character.

FAILED VLOG

My Photobooth audio isn't working! So here's a video of me being frustrated.

.

15 days.

“Thomas Edison's last words were 'It's very beautiful over there'. I don't know where there is, but I believe it's somewhere, and I hope it's beautiful.” 

I'm going to my very first funeral today, and that would've been bad enough if the person who had died hadn't been one of my best friends who is my age. Honestly, there is absolutely nothing worse than hugging a crying mother who has just lost her child. I believe that everybody has a certain time to leave this planet, so I'm sure fate/God/whatever decides this sort of thing has other plans for you and that you're in a better place now. Te amo, Dani, sempre.

It's a very odd feeling to be with a group of people and feel like I don't particularly matter to anyone there.

note to self

my life lately [in pictures]

Also, here. (not a playlist I made, but it's one of Catherine's, and she makes the best mixes ever.)

It's just so easy to slip back into old ways and become the same person I used to be. This is very odd and makes me feel like I have very little will power and control of my life.

There aren't too many people who will listen to you say incoherent sentences through tears at 2 in the morning, so it's important to hold on to the people that will.

I think it's a very important and special feeling when you have a song that instead of reminding you of some lost love or friend, it reminds you of who you used to be. I'm listening to Green Day's 'Jesus of Suburbia' right now and my feelings of when I used to hear this song in its intirety - because it's 9 minutes long - on the bus on the way to school as a way to reassure myself that this day would be better than yesterday was. Keep in mind that this is when I was thirteen and easily upset over bullshit and I thought I was a lot more grown up than I actually was. I used to scrawl 'to live and not to breathe is to die in tragedy' and 'they say home is where your heart is but what a shame, 'cause everybody's heart don't beat the same' on my wrists and the back of notebooks and think about how Billy Joe Armstrong understood, more than my friends or family, the despair of living in a city you wanted to get out of and being different and just the general urge to LEAVE. 'Running away from pain when you've been victimized, tales from another broken home'. And now this post on an abandoned blog is coming out pretty long, but it's just that it's weird how you grow up and sometimes you're not aware of this. With other people who you don't see on a regular basis, you notice a change in them when you see them again but that doesn't happen with yourself because every day you're faced with yourself and it feels like you've always been the same. I'm growing up and even though the 13 year old me wasn't aware of this - mainly because I was too worried about what the skinny girls with straight hair thought about me - but this pain is so useful and maybe I wouldn't have grown up without it. And I'm still growing and there's still suffering and there's still music to get me through bad days.

lately

“No wonder kids grow up crazy. A cat's cradle is nothing but a bunch of X's between somebody's hands, and little kids look and look and look at all those X's . . ."
"And?"
"No damn cat, and no damn cradle.”

• Telling people that you love them shouldn't have to be something that you have to be reminded of, but it is. Try not to forget.
• I downloaded a version of Tetris to my iPhone.
• Rooney Mara is insanely attractive.
• "What was the man pillow shaped like?" "Daniel Craig."

happy birthday darling, we love you very very very very very very very much.

Valentine's Day

Today is such a bogus ~holiday, but Kanye West is awesome, so there you go.

"I'm in love with you," he said quietly.

"Augustus," I said.

"I am," he said. He was staring at me, and I could see the corners of his eyes crinkling. "I'm in love with you, and I'm not in the business of denying myself the simple pleasure of saying true things. I'm in love with you, and I know that love is just a shout into the void, and that oblivion is inevitable, and that we're all doomed and that there will come a day when all our labor has been returned to dust, and I know the sun will swallow the only earth we'll ever have, and I am in love with you."

The Fault In Our Stars - John Green

A collection of things I want on my blog - part II

little dark girl with
kind eyes
when it comes time to
use the knife
I won't flinch and
I won't blame
you,
as I drive along the shore alone
as the palms wave,
the ugly heavy palms,
as the living does not arrive
as the dead do not leave,
I won't blame you,
instead
I will remember the kisses
our lips raw with love
and how you gave me
everything you had
and how I
offered you what was left of
me,
and I will remember your small room
the feel of you
the light in the window
your records
your books
our morning coffee
our noons our nights
our bodies spilled together
sleeping
the tiny flowing currents
immediate and forever
your leg my leg
your arm my arm
your smile and the warmth
of you
who made me laugh
again.
little dark girl with kind eyes
you have no
knife. the knife is
mine and I won't use it
yet.

- Charles Bukowski

A collection of things I want on my blog

THANK GOD IT'S NO LONGER 2011. MAY THIS NEW YEAR BE WONDERFUL FOR ALL OF YOU!

FUCK YES, 2012!