trouble

I woke up with the sound of your voice and my eyes opened in the dark. I was so used to seeing you in my dreams that I wasn't scared until I heard it again. I walked to my window and saw you in the yellow street light, looking up at me. You waved excitedly and I went downstairs to let you in, to see what you wanted at 4:23 in the morning. 
I opened the door and the smell of beer rised off of your clothes as you hugged me. 
"Okay, hi, what's up?" I asked, standing in the kitchen in my pijamas, my bare feet on the linoleum. 
"I had to see you!" you slurred. I kept looking at you, wondering how it was possible for someone to look so beautiful under the awkward kitchen lights. 
"So, I was out wih my friends - "
"Drinking, clearly," I interrupted.
You just grinned. "And I realized that I really, really like you and you're so great and cool and different from the other girls."
"Right. Like your girlfriend."
You blushed momentarily then nodded. "She's alright, I guess, but she's not like you, Olivia."
My heart thumped against my chest and sighed. "I think it's time you went home now. Some of us do have school in the morning." 
"I know, yeah, I just really wanted you to know what I felt, okay?" 
I nodded and you pressed your lips to mine, even though my mouth tasted like sleep and yours like beer. You kissed me long enough to awaken the butterflies in my stomach and then you stumbled gracefully (only you could manage to look so graceful while drunk) out of my house and I returned to my bed. 
Tucked between my pillows, a movie of our past four months together (would that be the right word to describe us?) played in my head and tonight, I realized, had been the first time you had come to me and not the other way around. I fell asleep with a dumb smile still plastered to my face.

---

When I walked into Melanie's house for her pool party, I knew you'd be there with your crowd (and your girlfriend, of course.) It's okay, I mean, I was there with my clan as well. Strangely, Melanie is the sort of person who is so nice and gets along with everybody that various cliques of our grade merged together under her roof (and the alcohol definitely made more people willing to show up.) It was just refreshing to see you outside of school (where we didn't - couldn't, I guess - talk) and our usual hidden, meeting spots (where we did a lot more than talk.) 
I kept you on my radar that day, constantly aware of you, despite the large number of other half-naked teenagers there. Eventually, the party dwindled down and while I was waiting alone for my dad to pick me up, I saw an opportunity to talk to you as you headed into the kitchen. I sneaked in after you and closed the door behind me. You were bent over, looking for something in the fridge, the stale lighting making it possible for me to see you. 
"Hey."
"Hi," you said, not looking at me.
"So, how'd you like the party?"
"Eh, Melanie's parties are usually always the same."
"Oh, I wouldn't really know, this is the first one of these I go to."
"Yeah, you seemed like you were having fun," you commented, still looking straight ahead. 
"So do you need any help, or...?" I asked, after an awkward pause.
"I actually don't. You know, I'd just prefer if you didn't talk to me at all."
I blinked, startled by the sharpness in your voice. Only then did I realize that one of your friends was sitting at the kitchen table, flirting with a cheerleader on his lap. Oh. I stalked out, walking towards the gate, pretending that our little exchange (that I had spent all day looking forwards to. Dumb dumb dumb) hadn't left me on the verge of tears. A few minutes later, you ducked out of the house and found me. 
"Are you here to be rude to me again?" I stated. You pulled my crossed arms away, wrapping yours around me, your bare skin warm and pulled me close to you. This was your way of apologizing, I had learned. 
"You know, you can't just toss me around like that. Don't fluctuate, pick whether you want to be always nice or always mean to me."
You nodded and then kissed my forehead and then the tip of my nose. "It's just - you know how it is."
I did know - your girlfriend, my friends, your friends, dumb high school drama. I knew how it was and I was tired of it. 
"I can make it up to you," you offered, pulling me closer. "My parents are going out of town this weekend, so come over on Friday after practice and stay as long as you want." 
I knew I was dumb to be excited by this, flattered even, but - sigh - I was. At that moment, I heard a car beep and I knew it was my cue to leave.
"I'll call you later," you whispered, before kissing me on my favorite spot on my neck. And then you walked towards the house and you were gone.

----

I lay on the stripy comforter on your bed and counted the glow in the dark stars stuck onto your ceiling. Seventeen stars. You kissed my hip bones then, your hand on the insides of my thigh. 
"You're the one I like the most, you know," you mumbled, your voice tickling my skin. At the moment, I felt so completely foolish and enamored by you. Yes, I know.